Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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