I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
