Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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