his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
