i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
