I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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