hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
