Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
