Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
