Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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