He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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