Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize