If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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