i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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