so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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