ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
