Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
whose parrot is this?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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