If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
