Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's shark week go big or go home
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
