I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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