Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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