I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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