I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
