Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize