I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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