sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
