After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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