are you still at the devil's house?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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