Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
