It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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