I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
