The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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