Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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