i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize