3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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