don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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