omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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