People in love make me want to vomit
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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