In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Congratulations! We have a period
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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