I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Define "chronic" masturbator.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
