I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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