I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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