I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize