i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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