wanna go halves on a baby?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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