Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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