How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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