my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You are a genius and a whore.
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