ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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