I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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