There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
