The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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