Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
