Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
