I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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