my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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