Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
