The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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