Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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